Fear and Bravery

July 30, 2012 § 6 Comments

When I was in college, I really liked this boy. He was totally a BMOC (Big Man On Campus), and I knew I could make him happy for the rest of our lives. My senior year, I asked him out to a group event, and he said yes. About 20 minutes into this event, I knew I never wanted to date this kid again.

It took a lot of bravery to ask this BMOC out. I’m so glad I did.

When I was a junior in high school, they brought on French as a language option instead of Latin (cake class), Spanish (cake class), or Computers (ew). I knew this new French class would be a lot of hard work, but I desperately wanted to discover the language of my heritage. By the end of two years of French classes, I spoke fairly well and discovered that I have a knack for understanding language.

It took a lot of bravery to begin and continue French classes. I’m so glad I did.

I’ve always struggled with what I want to do with my life. I’m good at a lot of things, but there are few things that I really love doing that will bring in revenue. (Why does no one pay me for each pin I post?!) There is some memo in my subconscious that says I have to have a career. After all, I have two undergraduate degrees and lots of special skills – surely I should be the CEO of something. (Or, at least the Administrative Assistant to the CEO.) If I don’t have some sort of a career, I’m just a bump on the log of society. I am a sponge in our marriage. I’m that girl who never really amounted to anything.

I was struggling with this thought last week, and as I cried in the bathtub, Josh kissed my forehead and reminded me to just enjoy living. In trying to figure out what I’m meant to do, I forget that I need to enjoy what I’m doing right now. Comparing is such a killjoy.

I enjoy theatre. I enjoy being involved with theatre to the point of affecting the culture around me. My skill in the theatre world is acting. I’ve discovered that I enjoy it enough to put the hard work into the details. And you better believe it’s hard work. This isn’t a new idea – I knew I wanted to be an actor since before Josh and I were married. But, suddenly he is done with school and starting professional jobs, and now it’s my turn to step back from a high-paying job and hone my acting skills.

It’s a little insane to take the plunge into doing theatre for a living considering that my husband is also an actor. But, we’re young – we don’t know yet that you can’t live on under $1,000/month. And, if I don’t take this brave step, I know I will regret it. I want to be able to say

It took a lot of bravery to become an actor. I’m so glad I did.

It’s possible that I won’t want to be an actor somewhere down the line. But, this is right for me right now. There is a lot of hard work ahead of me: a lot of disappointment, rejection, and frustration. But, there is also a lot of joy ahead of me: daily creativity, a sense of community, and affecting the culture around me. It’s less of a Career choice and more of an Enjoy-Living choice. May it never be said that I was afraid to take a chance.

 

Fear can be one of the most destructive emotions. It is, of course, also very important, in that fear sometimes stops you from doing stupid things. But it can also stop you from doing creative or exciting or experimental things. It can cloud your judgement of others, and lead to all kinds of evil. The control and understanding of our personal fears is one of the most important undertakings of our lives.”  – Helen Mirren

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