If I Were President: Marriage

In my house growing up my parents had rules regarding toys, games, etc.: play nicely, respect stuff and people, ask to use stuff (and if they say “no,” deal with it). If these rules were not followed, the item was taken away from everyone and we all had to do something else. No arguing. No complaining. It is what it is because someone ruined it with his/her selfishness.

There is a lot of hate going around right now; my Facebook newsfeed looks like a hot debate between “yay-gay-marriage” and “boo-gay-marriage.” Many things being said are ugly and disrespectful – shame on you. I say if you two can’t play nicely, I am going to take marriage away from all of you. 

If I were President, the government wouldn’t care if you were married or not. Just like they don’t care if you eat sugar. While I’m in office, it won’t matter.

Civil unions can happen for two people who desire such a thing. (Yes, you have to be a certifiable human. No droids.) Civil unions for everyone! This will cost $100.00 and all this money will go to the government. If 1 million couples join in civil union each year, that means the government would get $100 million dollars each year. And I’ll lower income tax for those in a civil union. Boom. I’m a genius.

Marriage – a God-ordained union – can happen in the chapel or synagogue or park or basement or whatever. The church I go to would not marry a gay couple. That’s fine – there are a whole bunch of other ordained ministers in town who would marry them. Freedom of religion is intact. Personal morals are intact. Everyone is happy.

If I were President.

This isn’t about politics. I don’t care enough about politics/rights/whatever to argue with anyone about this. I mean – I just don’t care. I should. But I don’t. (I therefore will never run for President, so those of you who are scared by the above proposal, rest easy.)

This isn’t about changing anyone’s views on marriage. I don’t care if you love it or hate it. Persuasive speeches aren’t my thing. Disagreements can be good. It’s what makes the world interesting and what pushes us to becoming better. What if the Earl of Sandwich hadn’t argued that his food was inconvenient to eat? We wouldn’t have the sandwich – we’d probably have the Franklin. Benjamin Franklin would have totally been on that one.

Anyway, the point is: Be Respectful. Don’t be ugly. Or I’m taking away the toy and I’ll make you hold hands until you’re friends again.

Can you play nicely? Good. Carry on.